04/01/25 @ 08:09 EST
cw: incoherent ranting about various things in my life
before reading, note that i constantly swap between my own perspective and The Other perspective when venting. Any statements of "just do it" are not my actual thoughts, and are representations of things other people have either done/told me, and i will inconsistently use "you" "i" and "me" because there isn't really much thought being put into this.
not a fan of how "i mentally and physically cannot do any of the jobs that everyone tells me to do" is always met with "just find a workaround. just get better. you're the asshole for not doing it."
ah yeah, my bad, i'll just Get Over my disabilities, both mental and physical, and just go headfirst into a workforce that is going to kill me, just to appease You In Particular. I am Sorry, yes, I am Wrong for not being able to do these insane things that to you are Normal and Everyday Occurrences.
Yeah yeah, Actually, I'm sorry that I even Bothered to wake up this morning. You're right. My disabilities Aren't That Bad Actually and i should just Suck it Up and Do Everything Right Now Instantly because it would make You happy. That disability i have that makes my entire body as fragile as glass Isn't Real, Actually and i should just Do Manual Labor and work as a wageslave in The Factory constantly getting new wounds that will never heal as a result. You're right, My Autism and ADHD Aren't Real, so i should just Stop Crying and Start Working In Grocery or Something. I should just be a Cashier at my local Buy Everything Or We Kill You store. I should just Work. It doesn't Matter that i'm Literally Incapable of doing these things you are telling me i'm capable of, because You're Right and I'm Wrong because that's how it's Always been.
no matter how old i get, i'm never going to be the Adult in the room, because all of my disabilities mean that i'm Two Years Old, Actually, according to Everyone Ever, but simultaneously i'm supposed to Do Better and just Push Past My Inability To Do Anything, because that's what You want me to do. You. Of fucking course. i am so, so fucking tired of being abused by everyone. My trust issues are Fake, Actually. That era i spent being Groomed and Psychologically Bent To Someone's Fucked Up Desires is Not Real, Actually. All of the abuse i've Ever had come my way is shit that i've Deserved, Actually. If i didn't want abused, Why didn't i just say No, Lol? Were You Suicidal Because You Realized You're Not Fit To Be Human, Or Was It Just Because You Wanted Attention, Lol?
Have you ever just sat down and realized that your entire life, you've always had at minimum one abuser? no matter where, who, when, etc? i have. and i'm so, so tired of always having at least one. everyone but mae and fluster Hates Me and i'm Not Supposed To Complain About Anything Ever because Complaining makes You sad and We Wouldn't Want That Now, Would We? But also I'm supposed to just Suck It Up and become Good Friends with Everyone that i pass by Ever instead of Fearing them by default because my learned trauma is Fake, Actually, and i should just Ignore It, Lol. What's that? you Can't function on your own unless it's for artistic reasons because your entire life you've been raised to be an emotionally dependent puppy of a human being by literally everyone you've ever met? Your family has never given you the ability to actually think or act on your own because you're just a little dress up doll for them to lock away in its room when they're done using it? The meaning of your life as prescribed by everyone you've ever met is to simply serve them and function as Their own booster pack for Their productivity? You mentally cannot comprehend the concept of doing something for yourself anymore because it's always been hammered into your head ever since childhood that you're not supposed to actually think and that you're supposed to be just a drone of a worker working in the Slop Factory? Whatever. Ignore all of that. Just Function, LOL. Fuck you.
Nothing about me is Real, Actually. These problems i have Aren't Real, Actually. Constantly being told No your Entire Life isn't Actually A Thing, Actually. Never being Allowed to do Anything and being mentally/physically inept in Every Regard is Your Fault, Actually. It is Your Fault you were Raised like this by Family, Friends, Strangers, Teachers, EVERYONE. Fuck you. Just Get Good, Lol. Btw you Suck and should Die because I sAY so. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. I'm not Holding Any Punches because I Hate You. I'm going to Pretend i Don't hate you even though that's Blatant Folly and you Suck and i Hate you and i Want to Gut you. Let me in your house. Let me And them in your house. Let us in your house. You Surely won't Regret It. I am Definitely not The Last Person You Will Ever See Because i'm Going to Stab You 436 Times. said the Fuck You Guy. I should just Stand My Ground on Everything but actually Don't Do That because You will Hate Me Forever over me standing my ground on Basic Things such as "murder is bad" and "i wish i had a blanket" because I'm Never Right. I'm Never Supposed To Be Right. No One Ever Wants Me To Be Right. I Am Never Right, because the second i Am is the second Everyone Hates Me.
The worst part is, i Know that everything i'm saying here will be seen. By who? I don't know. But someone i Don't want seeing this Will see this. My Mother is going to see this. [redacted] and [redacted] are going to see this. This entire blogpost is going to cause nothing but trouble, but i Don't Care. I don't have Anywhere Else to vent about or complain about things so all of the things i'm complaining about have Nowhere Meaningful To Go. The worst part is that the people i would LIKE to read this, Never Will. Hell ngl i don't even know if the people i don't want reading this will read it, because this might as well be an entire short novel at this point with how much i've been typing. anyways is the post date still even accurate now that it's been updated and expanded like 6 times. who cares. whatever.
i am so, so tired, man. i hope the train of life stops for a crew change soon, so i can take a fucking breather without it being seen as selfish.